


Tired mechanical heart

by kilala2tail



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Introspection, One Shot, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 00:41:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14249349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kilala2tail/pseuds/kilala2tail
Summary: Connor thinks on family, change, and shattering.





	Tired mechanical heart

As he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, Connor knew something had to change. It wasn't a new concept to him, but it was one that weighed on him constantly. His family couldn’t keep going the way they were if any of them were to reach the end whole.

Cynthia was trying so hard to keep everything together, forced to watch as things slipped through her fingers. His mother put up fronts, trying to be the glue that held them whole as pieces fell to the ground, and he was the one who broke the pieces in the first place. There was a part of himself that resented her, watching as she flipped from one fad to the next with hardly a blink of an eye. The family had money, and as such she had all the free time in the world and no way to fill it. Cynthia was stifling, for all she tried to care. It was clear she had no real idea as to what she was doing when it came to her children, that she didn’t understand how to help him the way they both needed. In a way, he felt like another one of the fads of hers, interest coming and going. He wasn’t sure she had been ready to be a mother when he had been born, not really, and instead of making things better all having a child did was make things worse. Having a child that wasn’t everything she had planned for, on top of it, probably broke her more than she would ever admit to even herself. He saw the way she tried to pretend, tried to make things work with what she had. Connor loved his mother, but she couldn’t be what everyone needed and refused to admit maybe things were more broken than she could handle.

Larry did his best, even if it wasn’t what the family truly needed. Connor knew his father didn’t really understand, that the man cared somewhere deep inside but had no idea how to show it in the way that wasn’t more isolating. The way the man seemed to focus on work more than trying to be there for his wife and daughter and attempting learn how to understand what made his son different hurt. His father had been raised to be the poster child for the American Dream and when Connor hadn’t immediately stepped up to follow in those footsteps it was like he no longer fit with what Larry had envisioned and was therefore nothing more than an ungrateful child who wanted attention without earning it. It hadn't always been that way. There was a time in Connor's memory that held moments of Larry taking time to spend with the family as a whole. Those times were long past, though. Every once in awhile, there might be a gesture made, something to show that his father did think about him as more than just a spoiled brat. But it was never the right sort. There was a baseball glove he had hidden away that was proof enough to Connor that if he wasn’t what they wanted out of a son, his parents didn’t really see who he was.

Watching his parents interact with his younger sister really brought this into perspective. He wanted that, but he didn’t know how to get it. They didn’t understand how to reach him, and he didn’t know how to make them. His voice always seemed to fall upon deaf ears. He was never going to fit into the role they had picked for him, and seeing them tear themselves apart over it cut Connor deeper than anything he had ever considered doing to himself could.

Zoe… Zoe deserved the world. She was proof that there was good in the world, that there was more to life than what his limited view showed him. She was the golden child, the one that was everything his parents had wanted and more. She was well liked, in after school activities, never caused trouble outside of spats with him. Connor didn’t know how she did it. Zoe did whatever she could to make others happy, and somehow she managed to keep herself happy in the process. There was a piece of him that hated his sister for it, though the rest of him hated himself even more for having that piece in the first place. Because with her around, it was easier to see his faults. It was easier to see how he was worth nothing because she was worth everything. Connor loved Zoe, but he stopped showing it years before in fear it tainting her. Having her hate him was better than having her too near and it harming her even worse in the end.

No place felt safe to him. School was torture, rumors following him like a dark cloud, whispers never silent. Other students either hated him, or they feared him. None of them knew him. Teachers didn’t care. So long as he did his work and didn’t disrupt the class, they paid no attention to him. If he skipped, they didn't say a word so long as he was passing. Not one of them reached out even as they heard what people would say to him without trying to be subtle. They would only scold if he defended himself, for reasons he could never comprehend. The house wasn’t a home to him, it was a battle ground. Everyone was always on the defense, ready to strike the moment they sensed an opening. Not even his room was completely off limits; his family had no issues invading if he didn’t have the door locked and sometimes even physically blocked. Having no friends, Connor couldn’t go to another house in order to get out of his own. The closest thing he had to an area he felt was comfortable enough to relax was a secluded state park not too far from town, the large forest seemingly empty and quiet more often than not. It was a space no one harassed him, where no one would scream at him are remind him of all the ways he was a fuck up. For those moments, he saw the color of the world, felt more than fear and anger and pain. The moments never lasted long, though, his guard never down for long.

He was tired of watching as if through a glass bubble, watching as the world spun in shades of gray around him while he was trapped in his own head. If he broke that glass, though… He would have to make the difference he craved. No one would be there to catch him if he fell. And it scared him, more than he ever wanted to admit. Because Connor knew it was no one’s fault but his own. He was the one who pushed them away, who would do things to try to keep anyone from getting too close. Being too close only gave them more ammo to hit him with. Being close only made it hurt worse if things went wrong, and he had learned long ago that things always went wrong around him eventually. But he wanted things to be the way they used to, before he was nothing more than a monster that stole the joy of those around him with his mere presence. He wanted to remember what it felt like to be safe, wanted to feel alive once more, sensations he had forgotten long ago.

He just needed someone to shine a light to show him the way. Connor was exhausted. He was so tired of everything. Tired of hurting his family so much that they had given up on him and allowed him to push them so far away. Of never being enough for anyone, at home or at school. Of hurting deep in his soul, to the point that every breath felt painful and pointless. Of being alone in the world, dizzy and lost, spiraling deeper into the unknown with no guiding hands to help him. He couldn’t keep going like this. He didn't want to keep doing this to his parents or Zoe. He needed something to change, or he was going to shatter. And if that happened, there wouldn’t be enough pieces of Connor to even attempt to put back together.

Connor rolled over to stare at the wall, pretending for a moment that maybe there was way to make the adjustment he and his family needed other than the one he already had in mind. Across the room, his backpack sat near the door, the bottle he had chosen wrapped in a tee shirt and nestled in the bottom of the back pocket. He wasn’t going to wait until he shattered and slivers of who he once was lay broken in the floor. _Or maybe_ , he considered, _it was already too late, and this was just the clean up._

The first day of senior year started in a few hours. His last first day of school. He dreaded the thought of getting up and forcing himself to go, wanted nothing more than to stay in bed where he would at least be comfortable, but he had promised himself one last chance. Nothing would be any different, but at least he could say he tried. And afterwards, he knew just the place he was going to visit. The red maple he had grown to love, hidden in an area of the park that wasn't hard to get to but was on a lesser used trail, would be a beautiful sight to take in as he let himself fade away.

Connor closed his eyes, and allowed sleep to take him one last time before he gave into the more permanent darkness that awaited.

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's seeing [Lindsey Stirling](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49tpIMDy9BE) this summer and isn't as hyped as she thought she'd be. Life is funny like that.
> 
> It's a bit open ended, and maybe more purple-prose/stream-of- conscious than I would prefer, but. Well. Let me know your thoughts my dears. Until next time, good luck and happy reading.


End file.
